I'm kind of a mess atm. I don't know who to talk to, so I'm making this blog. I really don't know who, although, since i'm making a blog and I only know one person who reads it that kind of means you (you know who you are) are going to read this. Of course, you'll have no idea what to do about it, but I need to talk so I'm blogging. ha, and if you want to talk to me about it afterward.. maybe offer suggestions.. although idk if I should be going to you since you're younger than I am...maybe you won't know how to handle any of this (I know I don't)
So, when I was thirteen and stuff, I was playing runescape. (I think i talked about that before). It's a virtual reality game. During that game I met a guy (name changed) called Gray. He kept 'asking' me to go out with him; and I kept saying no, but we were friends. I was young. Haha, then I told my sister about it, and she told me to say yes. So I said yes. lol peer pressure, I know. Well, let's just say I wasn't the best gf he probably ever had. I didn't go into the whole feeling thing, at all. In fact, I kind of broke up with him after a year, badly. He was on too much and I felt that as his "gf" i would have to be on. And, when I went on vaction, i felt obligated to send him e-mails and the whole thing about cards (birthdays, holidays) type things. But, then, after a while, I didn't look forward to getting on. I sort of found ways to stay away. For lent (Catholics it's 40 days when you like 'give something up' and stuff) and I gave up computer... and then I sort of gave up Gray, too. In fact, he told me that he loved me and I broke it up. I mean, it's not like I did it because he said so. It was like "You like me more than I like you..." type of thing. And, then it got worse since.. he kept sending e-mails so I blocked him. For months. My brother, who was also friends with Gray... told me he was in bad shape and "didn't I care?"
I don't know when this part is exactkly... so I'm going to say it now. Gray tried to kill himself. or at least said he did. I believe him though. And that's kind of because of me, plus, he said that I was the only reason he kept living...
Then, one day, I don't know why, I decided to unblock him. It was a bit strained at first, but then we got back to being friends. I think he was dating this other girl (name change) Sally at the time. For some stupid reason, I think I was a little jealous. Haha, i know, right? I think part of it was because she played runescape, and I met her a couple times online. I thought she liked him and he her when we were 'going out' haha so it was funny that afterward, they really did. Anyway, then Gray moved to where Sally was. Literally. And us four (with my brother) even hung out sometimes on runescape. Sometimes it would get a little awkward. I actually started liking Sally. Then... Gray and Sally started fighting. I tried to help him get back with her... weird right? But it didn't really work. I found out today that quote: "i obv cared about her. but one of the main reasons we didn't work. well. cause apparently. idk.. she said i cared to much about you :l. or something". So that stinks for me now.
Well, after their break up, he moved back. (different state than I) We still kept talking..I really tried to make a big deal about being 'just friends' and stuff. Still, even I knew that he liked me. *sigh* But I didn't do anything about it. I didn't like it; i just wish he'd move on, but he was still my friend. In fact... he tried to add me on facebook...I didn't. I don't know if is because I'm scared that I might like him or if it's because I don't. Or because I think I don't want him that much access to my life? Anyway...
Somehow my brother, call him Josh, thought it'd be cool if Gray came to visit. Here. And he did. Big awkwardness. I tried to stay away. It's so weird, right? I mean, I couldn't even get myself to talk to him. I didn't like being alone with him. He stayed for two weeks. My parents both thought that he was mostly Josh's friend, which is true. Even though Gray totally thinks I'm more his friend. I think this is why girls and guys aren't supposed to be friends.
Gray went back home and we started talking again. A lot, I mean, not like I tell him everything type thing. I dont even do that for anyone. I.. I don't know if I flirted or not with him. At least I wasn't like on purpose (if You're reading this and wanna see what i've saved.. just ask.. maybe you can tell me if I was or not) But I'm me.. so I might of. I just didn't act like I hated him or anything. Which, I know, if it's a person who likes you kind of means something. Or maybe I might've since I'm kind of stupid and I like knowing that a guy may like me. Yet we always stayed away from feelings. Until... like yesterday. We talked. And I could see him building up to it. I on't know why I seriously didn't just stop him. I maybe kind of even wanted him to say it? Maybe? To have him talk about it. Bad move. Now... blah. Then I get this (select quotes) " i hate this. idk.. and its not like i didnt just try to be friends.. i did.. have been.. but youre like. idk. everything." "really hope we can still talk lots.. only reason i actually care about living lol..". I don't know whyyyy he tried again after the first bombshell.
So now I'm feeling horrible, and like I wanna cry (that might have something to do with that... there's no one to talk to, and I don't know what i'm feeling... haha It's not like Sims where you have bars that tell you how much you like somebody) Because, really, how can a person like me this much and not have a happy ending? Then I start to think: Maybe I do like him. But then I try to imagine it...a nd it doesn't work. I tried it before; and I wasn't really happy. This is when I hope that I couldn't tell a lie for a day. Then I could say all of these things and figure out if it's true or not. Instead, I just have to guess. I'd rather be safe. I really really don't want another internet boyfriend. or the same one... Is it mean of me that I almost want to forget this whole thing? Move on? Although, I know if I do that, then Gray is gonna.. well, I don't think he'd move on. So then I'd be a total.. well, I don't know. something not very nice. Although.. even when I broke up with him before I was like 14, or something (maybe i was 14) I tried to cry because I thought Hey, this is how you're supposed to feel. I think I take too much on what I'm supposed to be feeling. Mind over matter you know. I kind of regret saying yes, and if not the yes, and talking to him again.
Plus, it's not like I tell anyone too much about Gray. Now, I just really want someone to talk to; but everyone's a sleep since.. hey, I'm a Night Owl. At least everyone I'd want to talk to. But i'm not too picky, but... haha if there was someone online who asked: i would want to tell them. A random stranger. But I've no idea how they're going to help; it's not like they can tell me what to do. I just want the right thing... I don't want to lie. haha, so if anyone is out there and wanting to talk... lol. Do I think he's a stalker? maybe, idk. haha. is that bad? What do I do? What would you do?
So.. there it is. My history. haha what I really want.. is a real life boyfriend so I don't have to worry about any guy online.
I think, if one of my friends came to me with this story (not that they'd be stupid enough to get into in the first place), I'd tell them to just be honest. really, that's the best road. Not to lie. See what happens.
P.S. I don't know if that made any sense. I think it's kind of jumbled.
And.. I'm going to post it since I'm tired of keeping it all to myself.
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