Haaa, okay. I'm upset. I really don't think I'm cut out to be in college, I'm SUPER SCARED. Of what? Of failing of not being able to do my best, or even any best. So far, with my two ONLINE courses, i'm not doing too good. I mean,not horrible (notyet..) but still =(
Like, for my English 110, I had to write a paper.. I got an 88/100 =( Yes, my mom says it was her fault since she kind of umm *cough* "helped" me write it, but it won't go to her grade now will it? Don't worry, I don't blame my mom and it's still a B+, A average since of this other thing I did, but.. the first paper is supposed to give me security to work with! Not to add more pressure, so I can't have any room to fail =(
And then.. for my History 202 class, I took a Unit I test to take which was 4 chapters and 100 questions... I got.. 68/100 =( Why am I blogging about it? I don't know, i really shouldn't. It just makes me sad, and frustrated and really really scared. I don't feel like talking about it to people since I don't want to hear themtell me how smart I am, how it won't matter what grade I get.. because.. really, no matter how many people tell me I'm smart, the grades are still going to speak for themselves. Yes, it may not matter what grade I get, but it matters to me. To my family, (not like mom is going to show it).
My older siblings are getting straight A's, I believe. They won't fail, they really are smart. Me, I'm just.. me. =( I really don't think I'll get a perfect anything. I've this issue where I never get a perfect 100%, especially on the first try. I just psych myself out, so then I'll probably get like a 99, or yeah, something worse. Yes, I know I don't need 100%, not exactly, but MAN! I just wish that I could be as smart as everyone thinks I am. So this is kind of a downer. I thought that I was just being paranoid and trying not to expect the worse when I thought I would be bad at college and stuff, that I wouln't be able to get A's, but I didn't really think itwould happen! My online classes were supposed to show me that I was wrong.. instead, they're doing exactly the opposite. *sigh* It's going to be worse with in-class stuff, I really get socaught up in pressure. lol and stress, I hate talking aloud to a group of people I dont know. My mind is always fried when I'm on the spot, or when I should know something. I don't really think I work good under pressure... my mind just goes blank, and I'm ahorrible guesser. Seriously, if it was a True or False question, I prbaly would get 80% wrong if I had to guess them all. But it if was fill in the blank... that petifies me. Go me... I need more prayers. Maybe that was wrong, I forgot to pray before I took my test, or wrote my paper, or sent it in (yes, I know, it doesn't really affect it, but hey! faith helps!)
I'm just trying not to think about, talk about it, or feel it.. lol it's just stupid. i can't wait for the next four years to be over, maybe 5 years. of course, then it'll be worse since i'll have to worry about a job! like now.. i've applied to more places, but still no job. I REALLY don't think i'm lucky. Sigh* this doesn't really help, but at least there's people worse off than me.. (kind of evil to say that, right? but it puts it into perspective).
Maybe I spend too much time thinking I don't have todo anything to be good, instead of going out there and oing it.. but I don't know how to actually make it come true. Haha. well, there was my pitty party. I'msure I could add more on to it... but I won't.
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